[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
a badder mouse
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.