I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon