“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
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Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds