Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Does beer think about me too?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”