Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren’t in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.
“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”
Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.
My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.
My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.