@WGladstone

Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren’t in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.

@WGladstone

“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”

@WGladstone

Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.

@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@WGladstone

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

@WGladstone

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.