Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road