Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.