saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.