Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn’t looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.