In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My dating profile:
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My current situation
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET