When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Yup.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Cause of death: Zumba
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.