showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.