When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.