AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I can’t stop laughing 🤣