me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
This is me
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“You drive, I’m tired.”