driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?