Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Become ungovernable.
Pat is about to own someone
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.