Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
U talkin 2 me?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Namaste
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
nice challenge
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*launders Kohls cash*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false