@Weird_Rash

Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?