If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.
When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!
~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!
Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly
Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?
I get it short people, I get it.
Oooops sorry typo,
I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.