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Page of WeissBrandon's best tweets

@WeissBrandon : If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.

@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away

@WeissBrandon: Maybe Jesus went black, and that's why he isn't coming back.

@WeissBrandon: YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!

~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.

@WeissBrandon: My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

@WeissBrandon: Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.

@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly

Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?

@WeissBrandon: I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I'll get it short people, I'll get it.

@WeissBrandon: I'd never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.