Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years