I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭