WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Huge”.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.