I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
pizza
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Steam Forums
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.