I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.