WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
those birds must be on payroll
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.