
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am