him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far


me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*


[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish


cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*


me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back