You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.