I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive