idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
honestly, i need both:
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.