HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
This is my emotional support knife.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?