Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this