Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of WhatsAGreenhorn's best tweets

@WhatsAGreenhorn : Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

@WhatsAGreenhorn: We're about two years from funerals starting and ending with, "don't forget to like, share and subscribe."

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don't think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Nurse: Hi I'm Sandi I'll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you