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Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : *Calling from the bakery

Me: "Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?"

Her: "Surprise me!"

Me: "Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother"

@WheelTod: Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

@WheelTod: If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

@WheelTod: [I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means...”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

@WheelTod: I didn't marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I'd spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

@WheelTod: [Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

@WheelTod: [Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

@WheelTod: I don't even care if it's a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

@WheelTod: [Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I'll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@WheelTod: Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”