The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
HOW DARE YOU
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.