[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Lmao the reply
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner