dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!