Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Never forget.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
SPLOOT
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom