[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
britain’s three elite institutions
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Lmfao
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.