This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.