@WhiskeySoured

If you feel like you’re going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.

@WhiskeySoured

If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.

@WhiskeySoured

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.

@WhiskeySoured

To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.

@WhiskeySoured

Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.

– watching the Olympics with my wife