This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.