I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Jail
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…