I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Jesus Christ lmao
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up