If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
i dont have time for this
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
two people or more is called a problem
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”