No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
You Might Also Like
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Teach your children to beatbox