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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles