When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
You Might Also Like
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.