Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.