me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
How to wake up a Beagle
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
it’s the silliest best thing
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
i think we should see other cousins
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: