Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Breaking news:
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
is this a threat
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing