4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I only eat vegetarians.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”